I better understand Ozzie and Harriet’s son Ricky Nelson’s Garden Party frustration now. Mine began after hanging a bird feeder on our back patio to tempt yellow finches to pay us a visit. It didn’t take long to discover they are picky eaters who shy away from cheap seed that sparrows might enjoy, preferring pricier varieties instead.

With an upgraded cuisine, word traveled fast, leading to regular, yellow visitors to the feeder. Shortly, a half dozen more fliers than a single dangling buffet could accommodate sat on nearby branches, waiting a turn at the feed trough. It appeared time to add a second feeder. Any glance out the back window then provided an acrobatic aerial display the Blue Angels might study and learn from. Rumor had it, Congress was considering installation of an avian air-traffic control tower nearby.

Today, there are four feeders out back in addition to a birdbath, all of which require year-round refilling every few days to satisfy not just yellow and red finches, but also chickadees, woodpeckers, a pair of Blue Jays and the occasional rose-breasted grosbeak along with other unidentified flying objects. Even birds that don’t often leave the ground have become members of the Triple Fs (Frequent Feeder Fliers).

Although fun to see at first, turkeys stroll in a dozen or more at a time to disturb and scratch through decorative rock under feeders, savoring what their dainty cousins discard from overhead. They also find the patio a convenient toilet upon which to relieve themselves, creating a sewage mess that needs regular attention with a fire hose.

As if more patrons were needed, squadrons of squirrels in the neighborhood have also become regular customers. For a time, we watched as they shinnied up shepherd hooks that held bird feeders, then hung upside-down as they chewed off plastic bird perches for gluttonous access to the contents inside.

When Slinkys were added to shepherd hook hangers, a hilarious end came to paw-over-fist climbing of the skinny poles toward a free meal. But, discouragement via Slinky business was only temporary. Squirrels modified their dine-and-dash strategy a little. Climbing nearby trees, followed by a modest leap to a feeder, permitted resumption of Denny’s 24/7 mealtime options. Squirrels began swinging on feeders like Ringling Brothers trapeze artists enjoying fresh popcorn in midair when the circus is in town.

Despite our location within city limits, deer don’t want to be left out either. A buck and four does occasionally wander onto the patio as other regulars scatter in all directions. Most of the deer are tall enough to lick at the feeders while a few prefer to focus on morsels that have fallen to the ground. Apparently, word has been posted on Facebook, Instagram and X – It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Sommers place. Despite moose visiting our yard years ago, we have yet to encounter any pterodactyls or woolly mammoths. It won’t come as a surprise if they are next to show up.

What began as an innocent idea to attract a few colorful, feathered friends to our patio now feels more like Cousin Eddie has parked his RV out front and is emptying his sludge onto the patio while he, his teenagers, dogs and poker-party pals eat us out of house and home. It might not be long before birds are pecking at the windows wanting to warm up inside. Squirrels won’t be satisfied with nests in the trees and instead demand access to attic space while deer and turkeys petition for a shed with in-floor heating and a complementary cocktail bar.

It may be time to consider building a screened dome over our patio to discourage further influx of winged or four-footed nomads. Without help from the federal government, I wonder if we can persuade Mexico or Canada to pay for it.