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Age will eventually get you

Lloyd Omdahl

January finds me marking another notch in the time belt, meaning that someone needs to tell the following generation about the hazards of living up where the air is thin.

Most old people don’t want to admit that they have become the antiques in the museum of life. In fact, you can actually hear the spirit of one being carried to the cemetery saying “But I’m not old. … Really, I’m not old.”

With age comes wisdom, something that can be shared with those in need of solace. Wisdom is not learned in books but from life experiences that go awry and remind you that you don’t want to do that again.

Missing wisdom teeth

Around one-fourth of the people are missing one or two wisdom teeth. And it usually shows.

Another strange fact is that people get their wisdom teeth between the ages of 18 and 25 – long before having the experiences that create wisdom.

Having had a number of experiences I would never do again, I feel prepared to offer a few wise hints to the younger people – who make up just about everybody I know.

The first thing that seems to go is the memory so if you park at Target longer than five minutes you will have forgotten where you left your car. Cars now come with these generic horns but they sound alike and are of little help. You will need something that plays a song like “Over Here! Over Here!”

Crashing memory verses

Then there was the Sunday School teacher who volunteered to do memory verses with residents of the Selz retirement home. She quit after three days, hoping God wouldn’t expect them to remember John 3:16 to get admitted.

If you have no pride, being old is justification for any foolish thing. Just say “I am old” and nobody will argue. Once you get past 90, you can get away with murder because no judge is going to give you a life sentence at that age.

With a memory deficiency, the old people are having a hard time adapting to the new style of ear-busting church music so they are promoting revisions to save the most popular hymns:

Saving old hymns

“I shall not be moved – from home to the Good Sam – I shall not be moved.”

“Count your blessings, name them one by one…It will surprise you when you remember some.”

When the roll is called up yonder, be sure your hearing aids are working.”

“In my heart, there rings a pacemaker.”

“When the saints go shuffling in…”

“Tell me the old, old story, I can’t remember how it goes.”

The biggest problem with an aging population is that the government has set retirement at 65, giving every old person a free conscience to do less for themselves and nothing for others when they could still be doing good of some kind for somebody. But who’s looking?

A theme song

We have the lyrics for a seniors’ theme song; now we need the music.

Over the hill, over the hill we go

It’s over the hill we go

Our heads are full of action

But our feet are moving slow

Over the hill, over the hill we go

It’s over the hill for all

Our minds are full of blanks

Our friends we can’t recall

Over the hill, over the hill we go

Our zip is gone; we lost our torque

That’s why we’re in the Good Sam

Eating with spoons instead of forks.

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