Letting it all hang out

Christopher Jones


I, Christopher Jones, do hereby notify all interested parties that henceforth and forthwith I am going to let my nose hairs and other flora and fauna of my nasal passages run amok.

I do not take this decision lightly. Since emerging from the slovenly years of my adolescence, and especially since realizing the importance of good grooming to success with the fairer sex, I have made sure my nostrils are remarkable for their unremarkability. Those gateways to my sinuses have been clean as a whistle–which is ironic given that unimpeded nose tubes tend not to whistle as air passes through them. Soon, my cluttered nose will surely emit an involuntary whistle, which will draw attention to the long hairs and other detritus which will be visibly protruding from them.

Why, you may ask, would I switch from well-groomed to completely untended nostrils?

Answer: science.

Medical science, to be exact. I refer to the study performed by scientists from Griffith University in Australia, which uncovered a possible causal link between bacteria in the nasal passages and Alzheimer’s disease. They posit that picking one’s nose and/or plucking one’s nose hairs can damage the tender inner lining, which allows bacteria to pass easily from the nose to the brain.

I know I will look gross, and for that I apologize in advance. But please understand that when you see what looks like Pappy’s beard sprouting from my nose holes, and what looks like easily-harvestable mucus wads peeking out like misbegotten cherries ripe for the plucking, I am simply trying to ward off brain diseases.


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