The White House expects to improve its administration on May 1 when Inspector Clouseau comes on as chief of staff.

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Congress is planning the 17th distribution of stimulus money to get the economy going even though we are now in $24 trillion in debt and China refuses to buy any more of our bonds without collateral. They wanted to mortgage Maryland but we offered them the north half of New Mexico. They refused the offer claiming that we didn’t have a clear title. Mexico agreed.

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True capitalism is gone. Even Main Street is on welfare. The Republicans did in two months what Franklin Roosevelt couldn’t do in 13 years.

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The most recent projections indicate we will have social distancing until 2022. Shaking hands will be a felony.

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Churches are now worried that when the pandemic passes few parishioners will come to church after enjoying home worship with coffee and toast in pajamas.

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God’s 911 operators report that the system got so many calls it collapsed. Calls were up 472%. Many of them from very unfamiliar voices.

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A poker game was held in Providence involving the governors of Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey and New York. With social distancing, it was the biggest poker table ever made. In fact, it made the Guinness Book of Records. On a good hand for everyone, New Jersey bet 2,000 ventilators; Connecticut raised with 10,000 masks; New York topped that with 4,500 beds. New Jersey took the pot with nine rolls of toilet paper.

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Political rallies will be a thing of the past. Presidents will be chosen by lottery. (It was Bill Buckley who said a random selection of the Boston phone book would produce a better Congress than elections.)

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Here’s a bit of prophesy from the Book of James:

“Come now, you who say ‘Today or tomorrow let us go into such and such a town, spend a year there doing business, and make a profit. You have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow’.”

That’s what we were doing when the pandemic hit. And we’re literally dying to get back at it.

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Quick, give me the stimulus check and send the bill to the grandkids.

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The problem with opening states for business too early is that the “haves” will get more and the “have nots” will die from the virus.

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Recent studies indicate that the coronavirus can destroy hearts, lungs, kidneys, livers and only the Lord knows what else. In the future people needing transplants won’t accept your organs because they may deteriorate in a few weeks. Who knows? Not even the Shadow.

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Where do you hide 39,000,000 hydroxycholoroquine pills?

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This is a personal note to you: Yes, you. You violate social distance, contract the coronavirus and expect doctors and nurses to risk their lives to save you from your own stupidity. Why should they?

Lloyd Omdahl is a former lieutenant governor of North Dakota and former political science professor at the University of North Dakota, Grand Forks.