Home Committee has more votes than voters
Chairman Ork Dorken scanned the town’s electors gathered in the community hall for the quadrennial testing of the presidential waters with a seminar on voting.
“Eleven persons being present, I declare a quorum to do business,” he declared. “Can we have a reading of the minutes of the last meeting?”
“I move we don’t read any minutes because Secretary Dorsey Crank was riding his bike in the Black Hills and wasn’t here to take minutes,” explained Holger Danske, as perspiration dripped off his nose in the sweltering heat.
“I second the motion,” added Orville Jordan, the retired Soo Line depot agent, with his green eyeshade sitting sideways on his perspiring head.
“I offer a motion that we table the motion and get on with the voting,” Einar Torvald ventured.
“Damn! I wish you hadn’t a done that Einar because I don’t know if we can vote on your motion when we already have a motion on the floor,” Ork confessed, as Little Jimmy came into the hall with a hoe and clothes in total sweat.
“We need a parleytarian guy to tell us what to do,” admitted Josh Dvorchak. “I nominate Little Jimmy.”
“I second that nomination,” Orville added.
“Wait a minute!” exclaimed Little Jimmy. “First, declare the nomination out-of-order, the motion to table will die without a second, leaving the motion not to read minutes on the floor.”
“Let’s all go outside and come back in all over,” a very confused Old Sievert proposed.
“All in favor of the motion to not have minutes raise your hand,” decided Ork. Passage of the motion was greeted with a thunderous cheer. Well, as thunderous as 12 electors can thunder.
“I had ballots prepared for a Democratic primary vote with 22 or more candidates so we could…” Ork started.
“Wait one broken axle minute here,” Einar Stomstead cut in. “Where is Donald Trump’s name? Is this one of those liberal plots to promote socialism? I’m not voting for any Democrat.”
“There are no announced candidates for the Republicans,” Little Jimmy reported. “Trump already has it.”
“There are more candidates than there are us, so I think we should each have three votes to make up the difference,” Chief Alert Officer Garvey Erfald suggested.
“How many of us are there?” asked Garvey. “Little Jimmy, how old are you?”
“I’ll be 18 in December,” he said softly.
“That’s close enough,” Madeleine alleged. “I move we let him vote.”
“That’s the Democratic way,” grumped Einar. “Let everybody vote.”
“I offer substitute motion that we not let him vote,” Einar added.
“That’s the Republican way,” Madeleine smarted back. “Let nobody vote.”
“No more motions. We are going to vote on the substitute motion right now,” Ork declared, with a rap of his scarred Coke bottle. The Coke bottle meant business.
“I want a secret ballot,” Madeleine insisted.
“Okay, she has a right to a secret ballot, so Garvey will tear a sheet of paper into 12 parts for us,” Ork continued.
Garvey was passing out the ballots when Einar declared that Little Jimmy couldn’t vote because he was only 17.
Little Jimmy jumped on it. “Voting law requires age 18; membership of this committee has always been open. We are now voting on committee business. “
So Little Jimmy got a ballot. The ballots were quickly cast, then counted by Garvey.
“We have seven votes against Little Jimmy voting and six for letting him vote,” Garvey reported.
“How come there are only 12 of us and 13 votes cast?” Madeleine wanted to know. “This smells.”
“We will take this straight to the state ethics committee,” Garvey promised, as disgruntled electors headed for the door.
“It’s those Russians, I know it,” declared Old Sievert. “We better check that ethics committee, too.”