Conspiracy theory pop quiz

There are a lot of conspiracy theories floating around, but astute flat-Earthers should have no problem discerning fact from fiction in this Conspiracy Theory Pop Quiz.

1. Who killed Jeffrey Epstein?

a. Killary, operating from the basement of a Washington Happy Joe’s

b. Bob Marley, but he did not hang the deputy

c. Video games

d. Coroner’s report: “Epstein strangled himself with his own two bare hands.”

2. Who else killed Epstein?

a. KGB

b. KKK

c. KFC


3. No, really, who killed Jeffrey Epstein?

a. North Korean missile, veering wildly off course

b. Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer

c. Elvis

d. No one. He was raptured.

4. The solution to gun violence is:

a. More tweets

b. Shoot the buggers

c. Trick question. Even if Obama confiscated everyone’s guns, people would still be able to get rope.

d. Look! Squirrel!

5. Proof that Trump is not on your side:

a. Keeps pounding his shoe on the desk, shouting, “I will bury us!”

b. Scheduled a White House screening of “Birth of a Nation.”

c. Trade wars are easily won, but he refuses to win one

d. Failed to use SEAL Team to free A$AP Rocky from Swedish prison, thereby emboldening another rogue socialist state

6. Someone El Paso shooting victims would rather have visit than the president:

a. Marty Robbins

b. Typhoid Mary

c. Jack Kevorkian

d. Hannibal Lecter

7. Heroic things Trump has done:

a. Searched rubble for 9/11 victims despite debilitating bone spurs

b. Riffled through pockets of 9/11 victims

c. Defeated Santa Ana at the Alamo

d. Single-handedly destroyed the concept of sentence structure devised by socialist English teachers

8. How did Mitch McConnell injure his shoulder?

a. Words really can hurt you

b. Teaching Tony Hawk rad new trick

c. Injured in scuffle with Jeffrey Epstein

d. Attacked by goats during yoga class

9. This is a hoax:

a. White Nationalism

b. Climate change

c. Low-cal ice cream

d. Tucker Carlson

10. Why was John Hoeven in Russia on July 4, 2018?

a. Great view of fireworks from Putin’s porch

b. Had a hankering for borscht

c. Kevin Cramer couldn’t make it

d. Meddling in their elections

Bonus: Why did ICE conduct raids in Mississippi last week?

a. Some of them, I assume, are wanton chicken killers

b. Gainfully employed, tax-paying immigrants are easier to nab than M-13

c. Searching for Trump’s errant tee shot

d. Suspected of distributing cheap, Chinese gizzard knock-offs

Answers: 1. d; 2. c; 3. d.; 4. a; 5. a; 6. c; 7. b; 8. d; 9. d; 10. d; Bonus: d.

Okay, let’s see how you did. No pressure, but this will be part of a Red Flag evaluation that could result in seizure of your AK-47 in a flagrant disregard of your God-given 2nd Amendment right to hunt gophers. 11-9 correct: Alex Jones will be over to pin a medal on your chest. 6-8 right: Not bad, but we’re limiting you to a 30-round magazine. 3-5 correct: If this were a Par 5, this would be great. 0-2 correct: C’mon, Fox & Friends, there are three of you!

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.