Uranium, rattlesnakes and whiskey

The other day, cops nabbed a guy driving around in a stolen car with his ex-con girlfriend, a gun, a bottle of whiskey, a rattlesnake, and some uranium. Somewhere in that sentence are the makings of a great country song. It’s almost too obvious to mention that this happened in Oklahoma, otherwise known as Tennessee’s cultured cousin.

Here’s where it gets weird. The rattlesnake and uranium were legal. Something to do with the 2nd Amendment, I guess. It turns out it’s actually rattlesnake season in Oklahoma. If the women’s team wins this year, they’re going to get a parade in Muskogee. They don’t have ticker-tape, so they’ll throw spent .22 cartridges and armadillos (the state bird) from second-story windows.

If you haven’t heard much about competitive rattlesnaking, it’s because the sport’s still recovering from a big steroid scandal a while back, and I’ll tell you this, the last thing we need are rattlesnakes on steroids. Not only are they harder to catch, they’re insufferable boors, spending hours at the gym doing bench presses, trying to impress the salamanders.

Before you start thinking people in Oklahoma are a bunch of hillbillies, I’d like to point out that it’s mostly flat. Really flat. So, technically, they’re only “billies.” It’s also hot and dusty, with scads of rattlesnakes, armadillos, and pilfered North Dakota oil money. And that’s another country song.

It’s a rough place. I was once threatened in Enid by a fry cook with a meat fork for ordering tofu. The only reason I got out of there alive is because I refused to die in Oklahoma as a matter of principle. They call it the Sooner State. Motto: “I’d sooner be anywhere else.”

Oklahoma is bordered by Kansas, Texas, New Mexico, Missouri, Arkansas, and Colorado, so you might have to travel days to find a respectable place to die. Your best bet’s Colorado. Motto: “Don’t harsh our mellow.” Other Motto: “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

For more Americana but less hygiene, you might consider visiting Tennessee next July for Nathan Bedford Forrest Day as recently decreed by their governor, Billy-Joe-Hooter-Bob. It’s not necessarily a multi-cultural event. Strictly BYOS. (Bring your own sheets.) Stay tuned. I think Hitler Day is next. Motto: “Tennessee: Less racist than the president.”

I’m proud to be an American where at least I’m white.

Now back to the rest of the story. According to Fox News, uranium is legal in small amounts, and also, socialism will be the death of us all. You can buy it online. Uranium, not socialism. If you had to pay for socialism, it would automatically become capitalism.

You can get uranium on Amazon for only $39.95, thereby proving that Hillary didn’t sell it all to the Russians. I ordered some on Prime Day. I already have the whiskey, guns, and a garter snake, and with all that, I should be able to attract a felon girlfriend in time for my next road trip. I hear Area 51 is nice this time of year. I know it won’t be quite as gangsta, but instead of ripping off an SUV, I think we’ll just Uber.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.