The last refuge of scoundrels

I wish the Fake News would do a better job of covering all the flag burnings in America. If you believed in climate change — which is even more unpatriotic than flag burning — you’d believe that flag fires are a major cause of CO2 in the atmosphere.

North Dakota Sen. Kevin Cramer should be commended for joining Sen. Steve Daines, R-MT, in introducing a constitutional amendment to prohibit flag burning — possibly as a front for defending the ecosystem. I want to make it a point to give Cramer all the credit he deserves since the president somehow overlooked him in his tweets. And I thought they were pals.

This is pretty much a slam dunk. All we need is two-thirds of the states to approve, and if liberal enclaves like California, New York, Massachusetts and Vermont want to cling to their outmoded notions about free speech, they ought to go back to where they came from.

Sometimes I feel self-conscious about flying Old Glory in my front yard, because everyone knows Republicans love America more than Democrats. In fact, translated from the original Latin, ‘liberal’ means ‘hates America.’

Note: I no longer use the word ‘conservative’ interchangeably with ‘Republican’ because conservatives are nearly extinct. I blame flag-induced climate change. Even as we speak, George Will is being held in a Washington, D.C., zoo while they scour the country for a conservative woman willing to sleep with him.

Admittedly, I’m an outlier. I wear a flag pin pinned to my bleeding, bare chest just to prove how much I love America and hate the neighbors. I say, after Kevin Cramer ends this flag burning crisis, we need another amendment in support of Mom, apple pie, hotdogs, sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. Well, not rainbows. Rainbows are kinda gay. Which could mean that God, who created rainbows, is gay. Or at least that she supports the LGBTQ community. But this isn’t about gay rights. After all, it’s North Dakota.

Also, forget hotdogs. Too phallic.

For Cramer, this is about reversing a 1989 Supreme Court decision in which the subversive Antonin Scalia defended flag burning as symbolic free speech. Sheesh. Everyone knows flag-burning is the last refuge of scoundrels.

This is about standing up — not kneeling — to radicals like the National Review’s Katherine Timp, who wrote last week, “If we outlaw flag burning because it is “unpatriotic,” what could ‘because (it’s) unpatriotic’ be used as an excuse to outlaw next? Protesting government decisions? Speaking out against the president? If we start using ‘lack of patriotism’ as a barometer for what speech should and should not be allowed, we could see the tragic loss of the very freedoms that our flag is meant to extoll.”

She just doesn’t get that this is about defending American symbolism. But I wonder if she’d sleep with George Will.

Eventually, I’m sure Cramer will get around to defending actual Americans. Any day, I expect to hear him champion a bill to defend the most critical aspect of our democracy, our elections, against Russia. Any day.

But maybe enough flag waving will hold them off.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.