Seeking justice, fairness in senate race

(Oskar and Olsok Thorvildsen, representing the local chapter of the World Association for Fairness, Justice and Equality, exited the elevator on the seventh floor of the state capitol where the Board of Equalization was holding its annual meeting to correct property assessments.)

Oskar rapped on the office door and rushed in before being invited.

“Is this the office for fairness, justice and equality?” asked Oskar.

“We’re not known for that but we’ll take a kind word wherever we can find one. Who are you?”

“I’m Oskar Thorvildsen, president of the World Association for Fairness, Justice and Equality and this is my little brother, Olsok, Vice President of the World Association for Fairness, Justice and Equality.”

“World Association? Sounds like a pretty formidable group. How many members?”

“Well, it’s just Olsok and me but we are just getting started – testing whether fairness, justice and equality have any appeal these days.”

“Count on our fairness, justice and equality. Now what is your assessment problem?”

“We are not here for property fairness although that would be a good thing. We are here because of the unfairness in the U. S. Senate race in North Dakota.”

“Wait just a minute. We do property assessment fairness – no politics, no politics.”

“Don’t you even want to hear us out? We came all the way from Tagus to fight for fairness, justice and equality and you won’t give us the time of day?”

“Okay, we’ll hear your beef and then you leave.”

“That sounds like fairness, justice and equality.”

(Oskar looks over his shoulder, pulls chair closer to the Board and whispers in a low secretive voice.)

“The Russians are helping one candidate more than the other.”

“The Russians! The Russians! How do you know that?”

“They even have a submarine in Lake Sakakawea. When he was fishing, Uncle Gisvold looked down and saw two remodeled Japanese subs laying on the bottom.”

“Olsok, I told you not to mention that because Uncle Gisvold has those goofy glasses that magnify everything. The game warden said they were catfish.”

“Okay, Oskar, tell them about the guy in Hebron who tried to pay for his lunch in rubles.”

“And here’s something else. Somebody put on Facebook that our candidate is not an American citizen and cannot hold office in the U. S. of A. because she was born in Mantador, Spain. That’s Russian propaganda, for sure. We know where that came from. Collusion!”

“You have overwhelming evidence. What do you think this board can do?”

“We think that if one side has a foreign country helping that the other side ought to have one, too.”

“That sounds fair, just and equal. How about Finland? They can handle the Russians – fought them to a standstill in the Winter War of 1940 and the women’s hockey team just beat them in the Winter Olympics.”

“That’s pretty good but Finland doesn’t want another Winter War. Pick some country that has nothing to lose.”

“Somalia! That country is a mess. There’s nobody in charge so if the Russians found out that Somalia was smearing their favorite candidate they wouldn’t know who to blame.”

“Somalia is doing pretty well hijacking ships and collecting ransom. I don’t think they’re looking for trouble. Besides, how would it look if CNN found out that Somalia was supporting a North Dakota candidate for the U. S. Senate?”

“No worse than being supported by Russians. Sorry, folks, we have to get back to fairness and justice for taxpayers.”

“Is there some office in this government that promotes fairness, justice and equality?”

“Yes, by golly. The secretary of state down on main floor. They handle international relations for North Dakota.”

“Goodbye and have a fair, just and equal day.”

Lloyd Omdahl is a former lieutenant governor of North Dakota and former political science professor at the University of North Dakota, Grand Forks.