“We had no town Christmas tree this year and I want to know what happened,” Orville Jordan raged at the December meeting of 12 electors at the Homeland Security Committee in the Community Hall.

“Well, I designated a committee of two on December 16 to get a Christmas tree even though it was already late,” Chairman Ork Dorken explained.

“Did they stop at the Last Watering Hole over to Durgen and spend the last two weeks stupid drunk,” Madeleine Morgan, the Billings flash, said accusingly.

Just then, Holger Dankse broke through the door and proudly shouted: “Look, I have a Christmas tree!”

No Christmas Tree

“Where in hades have you been? It was Christmas yesterday and we had no tree,” barked Dorsey Crunk.

“Wait a minute,” Holder retorted. “Thank me for a beautiful balsam fir from the Black Hills.”

“You went to the Black Hills!” exclaimed Madeleine. “Canada is closer – just over the hill.”

“Those Canadians are a fussy bunch about COVID and wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have my shots,” Holger explained.

“Why didn’t you go to the regular place – a cemetery? They always have good trees?” proposed Chief Security Officer Garvey Erfald.

Sheriff Warning

“The last time I took a cemetery tree, Sheriff Winter caught me by Dover’s Corner and warned me that I would get 30 days if he ever caught me with a cemetery tree ever again so I had to look for a tree outside the county,” Holger explained.

“But, geez, Spearfish, South Dakota??!??,” noted Madeleine, clucking her lips.

“I don’t believe it!” a dubious Einer Torvald exclaimed. “You mean it took you two weeks? That’s a three-day trip at most.”

“Well, it wasn’t all that simple,” Holger continued his defense. “I was pretty much on time on that highway between Spearfish to Bowman – U.S. #85, I think… now if you know anything about South Dakota, there are no people out west.”

No Help in Buffalo

“So I am coming out of Spearfish in my half-ton “51 pickup and it quit outside of Buffalo.” Holger was now standing his ground. “So I went to Buffalo…they had only one car fixer…a fresh graduate from South Dakota’s premier tech school at Harried…a graduate degree with only a hammer and a screwdriver.”

“That should be enough for any crisis,” observed Little Jimmy, a graduate student with Omega State.

“Well, a hammer and a screwdriver can’t fix a clutch,” Holger smarted testily.

“What’s a clutch?” Jimmy puzzled.

Back Seat Clutching

“They were before your time, kid,” Holger retorted. “Today’s cars don’t have clutches…maybe once in a while in the backseat.” He smiled at his answer. Everybody in the room understood except Little Jimmy. Jimmy scratched his head.

“Well, I don’t give a didly-dong,” muttered Garvey. “This is the first time since our founding fathers started this town in 1884 that we didn’t have a Christmas tree. Holger, you just stole our Christmas.”

“Careful buster,” warned Holger. “Have you ever tried to hitchhike from Buffalo with an 8-foot balsam fir? Nobody picks you up when you are accompanied by a big tree, only trucks with open backs which are not warm in December.”

Invested $12.50

“How much of the town’s money did you spend on this tree?” asked Orville, the city treasurer.

“Well, I didn’t steal it but I got it at a Christmas tree closeout for $12.50 and they waived the tax so I thought it was the best deal I would ever get in South Dakota.”

“Well, we’ve got $12.50 invested in this tree so we should get some use out of it,” Orville ventured.

“I am appointing Holger, Orville and Madeleine to consider Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Easter. Meeting is adjourned.”

The electors hated indecision and left in a huff.

Lloyd Omdahl is a former lieutenant governor of North Dakota and former political science professor at the University of North Dakota, Grand Forks.