What have we done with our society today? It is bad enough that we glue ourselves to our smart phones and tablets and virtually ignore the world around us, but now evidence shows our beloved pets are undergoing a similar transformation. If this continues, which it surely will, we'll soon have to text "man's best friend" to get him to return rather than calling him by name.
I know, you are thinking the garage door must have slammed down on this idiot's head. Well, I am most happy to report, it didn't. I am in good health and my noggin is contusion-free as I write these words.
The following suggestion should in no way be construed as an insult to any reader of this column but, if you don't believe the ensuing carefully chosen words, perhaps you should let your dog read it and explain. As events unfold as I fully expect they will, you'll be ahead of your time and thank me for this.
Now, as the trend that I am about to reveal continues, you'll freely admit that the previous friendly suggestion is most assuredly not "far fetched." This is also precisely how loyal readership is acquired and Pulitzers earned. I'm saving some shelf space for the latter and promise to invite all of you, and your dogs, to the ceremony.
Here then, in my own words and without any canine assistance - a requirement in the Pulitzer rules - is the essence of my revelation. All dog owners know that their dog is a smart dog, at least they'll claim that even when others familiar with the dog know it is a completely ludicrous statement. Nevertheless, it is a certainty that dogs know far more than we mere humans understand.
Yes, there are exceptions. I have one dog that will run half a mile around an entire bay just so he can swim across it and climb back in the boat. He is loveable and loyal, but I fear the garage door smacked him pretty good as a puppy. He is not exactly a good example of today's modern mutt, nor the dog about which the purpose of the column is written. The purpose is to unveil what I believe to be a rising trend - the technology dogs of today.
You see, I have another dog that watches everything I do with great interest. This she does while not even appearing to do so. It is both wonderful and, at times, quite awful. I am compelled to warn you that this could also happen to you.
It seems that the dog I've referred to has seen me pick up my cell phone on numerous occasions when that beep-beeping announcing a text message occurs. So what, you say. Well, your troubles may be just beginning.
Now, no matter what time of day or night, whether I am sleeping or not, that dog comes and gets me whenever a text message arrives on my cell phone. I'll admit, it took me longer to figure out what the heck she was doing than it took for her to understand that text messages were always matters of national security - and that her alerting me to them is of vital importance, at least far more important than my sleep. This could happen to you. Be prepared!
As a solution I am seriously contemplating purchasing her a cell phone of her own. My reasoning is, if she has her own phone, she may become so preoccupied that she'll let me sleep when a text arrives on my phone. On the other hand, at times it is nice when she comes and gets me when I've left the phone out of hearing distance.
I suspect that cell phone manufacturers are already feverishly at work developing a canine version, such as a smart phone that could easily be clipped to a dog's collar. The purpose, at least initially, would be to allow our dogs to carry our phones and loyally bring them to us when incoming calls or texts are being received. How cute!
However, as dogs become as technically savvy as the children of today, that loyalty will be short-lived. We'll have to risk both fang and claw to retrieve what is rightfully ours - and we'll be doing so in a cranky mood due to lack of sleep. This is not good.
Don't say you weren't warned.