I guess you can file this one under the category, "Reasons I would like to be cremated after I die."
The New York Daily News is reporting that former Boston Red Sox hall-of-famer Ted Williams' head has been mistreated at an Arizona cryonics lab.
Williams, considered by many the best hitter ever, died in 2002. When he passed, he had his remains sent to an organization called Alcor for cryogenic storage, where they removed his head from the rest of his body and turned it into an ice cube.
Theoritically, it's sort of like how Han Solo was frozen in carbonite after that creepy bounty hunter Boba Fett tracked him down in "The Empire Strikes Back."
Williams apparently hoped they could thaw him out in a couple of decades, slap his head on a new body and he could hit .388 for the Red Sox in 2032.
Well, it worked for Han Solo in "Return of the Jedi." He got thawed out, helped destroy the Death Star and romanced Princess Leia. Well played, Solo.
The report said that a technician at the Alcor lab took a couple of swings at Williams' frozen melon with a monkey wrench - he must have been a Yankees' fan.
Now I've never been accused of being overly bright, so having my floating head hit with a wrench after I'm seven years dead wouldn't really bother me.
But I can be very easily embarrassed, even in the after life - which is why the last place I want to be when I leave this earth is in a lab with a bunch of mischievous workers who have too much free time on their hands.
Here's how I envision the discussion going if my head ever showed up at a cryogenics lab.
Technician No. 1: So who is this head supposed to be?
Tech 2: Some famous sportswriter, I guess. (Just humor me on the famous part.)
Tech 1: Writer, huh? Let's stick a few pencils up his nose and put him in one of Ralph's desk drawers.
Tech 2: No, I got a better idea. Let's put one of those fake glasses/nose/mustache combos on him and hide him in the potted plant next to Lois' computer. His murky green complexion will blend right in with her Boston fern.
Tech 1: No wait, let's put him on the end of the mop stick and use him to clean up that sticky corner in the commisary.
Supervisor: Hey you two, quit goofing around... and set up the bowling pins.
Just a "heads up" to anyone who might be considering having themselves cryogenically frozen. Proceed at your own risk.
(Chris Bieri is a sportswriter for The Minot Daily News. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org)