'Red Riding Hood' oddly beautiful horror-lite

I got a chance to see “Red Riding Hood” this weekend and I’m planning to be totally spoiler-free on this one. Mostly because I have no idea what happened.

There was this girl, Valerie, played by Amanda Seyfried, and she was incredibly hot, just like everyone else in her tiny village at the edge of a dark forest. And she was in love with one hot teen boy and promised in marriage to another. And there was a werewolf who’d been awfully considerate for a good decade or so of full moons but suddenly a villager was killed and a woman mauled in quick succession, and Valerie was given a bright red cloak by her grandmother.

Mostly it’s about this party they had because all the boy villagers had killed a wolf. Nine Inch Nails was playing and it was so cool it was like a young rich people’s party on the CW. Everyone was in the frenzied passionate throes of love-making, but a priest showed up who had killed his werewolf of a wife and he said the werewolf was still on the prowl and someone turned into a black swan and stabbed herself.

OK I may be getting this messed up, but what I mostly want to say about it was that it was just really beautiful. The movie was visually stunning and there are some gory parts and there are some really gory parts but mostly it’s a better campaign for Team Jacob. Yay, werewolves.

“Red Riding Hood’ is gorgeous, it is a little spooky, and a little sexy, and I love that prop they created to demonstrate the phases of the moon, and when there’s a blood moon. There’s some kind of deliciously subversive anti-establishment message to it but it’s so broad it’s easily ignored and for the most part, it’s just two hours of what it would look like if the CW tried to do horror but overbalanced too much on the hot teenaged girls ratio.

"The Box"

Speaking of spooky movies, I finally got to see “The Box,” which was that speculative piece with James Marsden and Cameron Diaz, the guy shows up with a box and a button and says if they hit the button he’ll give them a million dollars and someone somewhere who they don’t know will die. I’ll put it like this: It wouldn’t be much of a movie if they didn’t hit the button. Doing so, they are dragged into a series of impossible choices, all of which question the existence of freewill. I’d say it was a tragedy except we really should explore the impact our choices have on other people, but in a mechanical universe we’re all cogs on endless wheels anyway. One hopes one’s life has a positive impact on others, I think, but greed serves a function or it wouldn’t exist.

"The Cape"

I got to see the final episode of “The Cape” online and it’s a fine episode but a disappointing ending to the series. There’s some running and hiding which is always filler, and tracking everyone’s movements by a little girl’s cell phone, which is ridiculous. Mostly the police chief, Faraday’s friend who worried because he hadn’t saved him when the train exploded, took a bullet for the Cape, earning his redemption. But who cares because Faraday isn’t reconciled with his family, no one has any idea what’s going on with Jamie, and oh yeah, Peter Fleming, the big bad of this whole deal, is still scot-free and still in charge of his corporate criminal enterprise. So the entire series was just a bunch of running and hiding. Actively annoying, NBC. Stories should have a beginning, a middle and an end and it’s your fault this one is lacking an ending. Next time work with your show runners a little more closely. You’ll have fewer of these public disasters.

"The Event"

Speaking of disasters, I got to see part of “The Event” when it returned this week and my heavens what on Earth was that? How long was that little palace coup fomenting? Seems to be based on nothing all that much anyway, but I guess I’m not an alien so I could never understand. We could never do anything violent. Nonsense! All any of you are doing is violence. And how to reconcile that scene with Thomas at Mount Inostranka with that scene with Sofia at the Ramada Convention Center? What does anything that happens in this show have to do with anything else that happens in this show?

"V"

And seriously, how is it that we are sexually compatible with every alien species out there? Both on “The Event” and with those reptiles on “V,” I mean there are couples who will never give birth but we can apparently have kids with absolutely anything that falls from the sky. At least the “Star Trek” series tried to figleaf our interplanetary compatibility with a common interstellar ancestry, but these shows haven’t earned that. Especially “V.” A couple conspiracy theorists figure out the Concordia centers look a little like the base of the Visitors’ ships and nobody else does? And they can see the invasion force and no one else can? Well, that’s just because they’re so much smarter than the rest of us, because we’re nearing the end of the second season and no one has figured out what Anna is up to. Y’know, I liked her a lot better when she was a space prostitute, just like I liked Erica a lot more when she was on that crazy island.

"Fringe"

Speaking of which, nice cameo by Jorge Garcia on “Fringe” recently, as the security guy at Massive Dynamics. Wow, you can just imagine the stuff he’s seen, huh? The breakdown of physical laws where injecting a compound of two of the heaviest elements would make people float, that’s just nutty, but it highlights the need for Walter to figure out a way to disentangle our two universes and soon.

I wish, however, that they hadn’t made it so Olivia would be possessed by the spirit of Billy Bell. Hasn’t that poor girl been through enough? Oh well. The “Fringe” role is probably more interesting than the “Mr. Sunshine” role, but Hurley’s not the only one jumping ship. Rumors are that Michael Chiklis is taking on a role with “Vince Uncensored,” a guy who is trying to live life more honestly. Which doesn’t look good for “No Ordinary Family,” but Julie Benz is the only thing that’s looked good about that show for a good long while.

"House"

I was robbed! Cheated! I was duped! I’d tuned in for a very special episode of “House,” thinking it’d be a musical episode. And there was a musical number, one of several dream sequences, but all that happened was Cuddy broke up with him after she had 40 minutes of the worst, most inconclusive scans on something in her kidney and got ticked that House went back on painkillers.

Really Cuddy? Have you met House? I’m not saying it’s honorable or heroic but he is an addict. And you knew that. That was the most artificial breakup speech ever. “Pain serves a purpose.” Not in an addict to painkillers, it doesn’t, it’s just pain. But fine, you’re happier without him by all means, just don’t tease me with a Broadway number in the promos and expect me to be happy with one zonked out presentation of “Get Happy” costumed and choreographed by Mia Michaels, in what looked to be heavily influenced by Madonna’s “Nothing Really Matters” music video.

I enjoyed the episode. I did not enjoy Cuddy’s masking her results to make it harder for House to find, and I didn’t enjoy how similar her symptoms were to a completely unrelated case. I did enjoy the “Buffy” sequence where House was fighting zombies with an axe that closely resembled Buffy’s Scythe, but mostly I felt like I could’ve spent that time watching something else entirely.

Coming up

Well, if I want a musical set in a hospital I need look no further than an upcoming episode of “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’m told it’s airing March 31. Can I wait that long? I see that I’ll have to. There are a number of promos and previews floating around, however, so if you can’t wait, you can catch a taste here and there.

Coming up this week we have oh yay, more “The Event” NBC on Monday. Well, after a new episode of “Chuck” where there are other people who had the right kind of brains for The Intersect to work so now he’s not that special anymore, it seems. Oh Chuck, you’ll always be special. And “Harry’s Law” occasionally gets a little too local. I’m tuning in to watch the wacky legal machinations of a tenacious patent lawyer who’s gotten her second wind, not Jimmy the Grunt “Have you been in an accident? Call Harriet’s Law and Fine Shoes.” OK, the street doctor character they created was pretty good and I enjoy Camryn Mannheim wherever she pops up, but yeah, man, more courtroom, less crime scene.

Commentator Bill Maher has said all I’d ever need to and more about ABC’s new “Secret Millionaire” Sundays and you can track that down pretty easily.

Tuesday, “Glee” is unveiling its original song for Regionals so that should be pretty exciting, I guess. The last installment of “Raising Hope” was a bit dry so I hope that improves this week. Also, PBS is airing a two-hour compilation of “Cirque du Soliel” routines Tuesday at 8/7c so it may be pledge week.

Wednesday, I haven’t laughed so hard at a sitcom as I have at “Mr. Sunshine’s” installment this past week titled “Crystal on Ice,” so I’m looking forward to this week’s as well. The installment is titled “Lingerie Football” so that sounds like it must be pledge week on ABC as well.

Opposite on CBS, they’re bringing Ellen Prentiss’s mass murdering stalker storyline to a head with a guest spot by A.J. Cook who played J.J. in the series, so that should … put an end to it, anyway. And on Bravo, my little Carla bird got kicked off “Top Chef: All Stars” so I don’t really care who wins anymore.

There’s a new Kathy Griffin special on Bravo and a Will Ferrell comedy on AMC Thursday which means the college basketball they’re airing on CBS and the high school girls Class B basketball they’re airing on NBC should be pretty safe.

And on Friday they’re airing a new episode of “Fringe” so that should be nice. Oh, and a new episode of the Onion News Network on IFC, which has been pretty funny throughout so go Brooke Alvarez.

Beyond that, mostly just getting ready for this production of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and oh yeah, completely forgot to highlight how amazing this past week’s episode of “Justified” was. If you get a chance to see that thing you should totally see it. That show and “Lights Out” have really been bringing the heat on FX. Enjoy!