New farmers political almanac hits market
Beginning with this first publication in January, the New Farmers Political Almanac will bring fresh insight into political prognosticating in North Dakota. Since Dave Barry just finished a dubious review of 2018, this is an appropriate time to bring out reliable foresight.
January will be dominated by a meeting of the Legislature consisting of many Republicans and few Democrats. The Republicans named a reapportionment commission designed to gerrymander the remaining Democrats out of office. Democrats have barricaded themselves in the bill room of the Capitol where they are awaiting the arrival of Davy Crockett.
The first two bills to be introduced will be the legalization of hemp and breaking into the Legacy Fund, now boasting over five (5) billion (billion) dollars (dollars).
For the unlearned, industrial hemp is a variety of Cannabis with a delta-9 tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) concentration of not more than three (3) percent dry weight, just enough to make the cows happy. It is outlawed by the federal government.
Local farmers report that it is easy to grow and that you can actually see it rise, especially if you are on 20-25 percent THC cannabis yourself.
February will see more anger over President Trump’s border wall, especially after Chuck Schumer sends him a 50-foot roll of 24-inch chicken wire on Valentine’s Day. Later in the month, Trump will tell the Wisconsin cheese industry that he is cutting out their subsidy, alleging that “anybody who wants cheese can go to the moon.”
The state Legislature will have 123 bills to reorganize the board of higher education.
In March, the coal people will start building walls around coal-fired generators to protect them from the water when earth warming melts the polar icecaps. CNN will report that Nancy Pelosi has bargained with the “progressives” for another 10 years as speaker of the House. Six CNN heads will talk about, talk about it, talk about it.
With the government still shutdown, the Salvation Army will open 27 soup kitchens.
The North Dakota Legislature will receive at least 547 applications for a share of the Legacy Fund which still remains sealed in the basement of the Capitol.
As April arrives, the Legislature will find it difficult to develop a plan for the Legacy Fund and will appoint a committee of 39 to come up with a solution by the 2025 session. Special Counsel Mueller will indict Herbert Hoover for distributing food to starving Russians in 1920.
After a testy debate among Robinson, Rugby and Balta, the Legislature will make the Geographic Center of America a rotating honor open on a bid basis to any North Dakota organized municipality of 25 or more citizens.
In May, President Trump will call on Norway to provide a team to broker a compromise with the Democrats over the border wall. (He trusts Norwegians because they look like us.) He will reject the chicken fence offer given by Schumer as inadequate.
June will open with Canada building a wall on the border to prevent hordes of North Dakotans, mostly thugs, criminals, drug pushers and reprobates, from advancing on the Antler port of entry to seek asylum. Premier Justin Trudeau promised that America would pay for it through a tariff on bacon. Special Counsel Mueller will be in Anchorage to check out the purchase of Alaska from Russia in 1867 for a measly $7.2 million. He thinks the deal looks fishy.
Predictions for the remainder of 2019 will be forthcoming with follow up reports on the Legislature (if still in session), Special Counsel Mueller, Canadian and Mexican border wall negotiations and water in Miami.